• Be patient. Their world has just been turned upside down and they will never be quite the same people again. Forcing themselves to get out of bed may be their only accomplishment some days. Initially they’re in a state of shock and just going through the motions of living. Understand that their emotions are like a roller coaster. They dread facing decisions about anything. They may offer a forced smile, but feel crushed, paralyzed, or like they’re drowning inside.
• Think before you speak because words matter. Please avoid offering well intentioned platitudes because, frankly, they don’t help. Here are just a few comments to avoid:
  1. At least you have other children.
  2. Well they’re in a better place now.
  3. At least they didn’t suffer.
  4. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?
  5. You’ve just got to get over it.
  6. At least you have each other.
  7. I understand, I lost my grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc.
• Please don’t tell them what you think they need to do in order to heal. You may mean well and your advice seem good and logical from your perspective, but if you haven’t experienced the loss of a child personally, you have no concept of what brings healing. Your advice might actually yield unnecessary pain and distress to someone who’s already deeply wounded. Healing takes time, and no well intentioned advice can short circuit that process.
• Take the initiative. Caring, well meaning people often say, “Call me if you want to talk” or “Call us if you need anything”. Please don’t expect your phone to ring or to receive a text. You can’t imagine the effort required some days just to breathe and move, let alone take the initiative to call or text; it’s just too hard! Don’t try to understand it or apply logic to it, just accept that it’s real and that you will need to reach out. Tell them you want to bring a meal or invite them out for coffee or a meal; if they’re not up to it, don’t be surprised or offended, but don’t stop offering. Keep it simple early on; dropping off some donuts and coffee is far more appreciated than you can imagine! It might be awkward trying to figure out how to reach out, but please don’t let that be an excuse to do or say nothing because you cannot imagine how deeply that hurts.
• Men, if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance a male friend, family member, or colleague who’s also a dad may have just lost his child, it’s not just his wife. That this even needs to be addressed here reveals somewhat of a disconnect in our culture, and yes, even in the church. While men and women often grieve differently, there are also many similarities, and make no mistake, men absolutely do grieve! Because men are taught, beginning at very young ages, to be tough, and also due to basic genetics, we can struggle at expressing our emotions and sharing our struggles with others, including our wives. Let me assure you that your friend is struggling with a pain and loss like he’s never experienced. Please take the initiative to reach out to him because he, with few exceptions, WILL NOT reach out to you! He can’t because he doesn’t really know how, it’s too difficult, too painful, too awkward. Invite him to do something “normal” and in the process you can ask how he’s doing, and do risk talking about his child. It may not be easy at first, but dads need other men in their court as much as moms need other women. This is a time when good men need to step up.
• Avoid idle chit chat in their presence; sometimes people are afraid of an awkward silence or that if you ask about their child it might hurt too much. The fact that you’re there speaks volumes. Chit chat to someone who just lost their child feels very meaningless and even repugnant. Please do talk about their child; it says you care about them and their child. If you knew their child, share a meaningful, or even a funny memory or shared experience; most grieving parents both crave and need this. We used to tell our friends who worried that talking with us about Ryan might be too painful, that we’ve already experienced the worst pain any human being can, so there’s nothing you can say that could hurt worse, and if it’s too difficult at the time we’ll tell you, but please ask or share!
• Don’t avoid talking about our child. We want and need to talk about them! One of our worst fears is that others will forget about our child over time. Our dearest friends did it so very right, and still do; something about Ryan comes up everytime we’re together! One couple who never even met him, told us they feel like Ryan is the son they never had because we’ve all talked about him so much they really believe they know him now, and in an eternal sense they actually do. They even visit his grave regularly and leave flowers - you can’t imagine how much this means to us! Another couple who were with us when we received that dreaded call came up with the idea of planting a Maple tree in Ryan’s honor in our backyard. On the first anniversary of his home going, they, along with the others in our small group, presented us this beautiful tree which we planted in view of all the rear windows in our home. We decorated it with strands of clear lights which we still turn on every night year round. They also presented us with a very thoughtfully written message to go along with it which I still carry in my Bible.
• Do invite them to do fun things again. Be patient, it might take a while, but they need it. Don’t wait for them to initiate! It’s a strange paradox; the idea of fun can bring unwarranted guilt, but many, if not most, want to just “feel normal again” for a little while. Scripture tells us that laughter is very beneficial, but it can be difficult to give yourself permission to do so early on.
• Do text, call, or email to remind them that you’re grieving with them and praying for them. It’s very easy to feel isolated and alone.
• Do ask if you can share a story or a specific memory of their child if you really knew them. They crave hearing how their child impacted the lives of others and how much others love them.
• Failure to communicate with friends who have lost their child can result in uncomfortable future encounters for both the parents and friends, so please be sensitive.
• If you employ or supervise someone whose life has just been shattered by such a loss, please reach out and reassure them that their position is secure, and to focus on taking care of themselves and other loved ones rather than worrying about work. As addressed previously, unless you’ve experienced such a loss yourself, you cannot begin to comprehend what this individual and their family are going through. If you value this employee, please find a way, if at all possible, to provide them with several days (weeks) of paid time off independent of vacation days because they’ll need those just as much later on. To expect a quick return to “business as usual” is both unrealistic and callous, inflicting even deeper pain, and risking unnecessary mistakes or errors on their part. When they do return to work, please accept that they, very possibly, may never be quite the same again, but with your support, understanding, and encouragement they will be able to carry on once again as a vital asset to your team. Unfortunately, some are treated like “damaged goods” at this point adding additional stress and anxiety.

• There are no timelines for grieving. For some it’s weeks, for others months, years, or even a lifetime. Some try to escape or avoid it by refusing to talk about it, medicating themselves, or becoming workaholics. Make no mistake though, unless you give yourself permission to grieve now, it will eventually catch up with you.
• Haunting questions. Why? What if? How could I (we) have missed that? If only …. so many unanswered questions, many of which have no answers that we desperately want and need. This is magnified when suicide or sudden death are involved. It’s perfectly safe to express all those questions and hard emotions to GOD. He doesn’t get angry with us for doing so because He knows how painful it is and deeply hurt we are, and perhaps even angry with HIM for allowing it to happen; HE can handle it and wants to comfort us, but we have to let HIM.
• Guilt. This is sometimes referred to as “survivor’s guilt". how can I go on living when my child just died? Could it have somehow been my fault? Our last conversation was heated or didn’t end well; what if I had just calmed down and listened better? Eventually, the guilt may come as the healing process enables you to laugh again and enjoy aspects of living that were very difficult, if not impossible, earlier on. It can just seem wrong or even disrespectful to have fun or enjoy life again. But it’s okay to embrace the healing that GOD’s doing in your life!
• Birthdays and holidays. These are the “arrows” you can see coming; not that it lessens the pain, but at least you know when they’re coming. These are only two of an entire year of “firsts” to come, and it seems like they’ll never end. How do we celebrate Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, his birthday, and so many other special things we loved doing together without our child? It seems so pointless, hollow, and empty; it’s hard to see how anything will ever be fun again or how we can ever be happy again. But is this what he would want? What about our daughter and her family, his wife and baby daughter? And so we choose by GOD’s grace to step into the pain and celebrate even as our hearts break and we feel crushed under the weight of it all. We choose living knowing that it’s a way we can honor our child and his life and keep his memory alive until we see him again in Heaven. On his first birthday after losing him, we gathered with family and very dear friends at one of Ryan’s favorite spots out in the country where we had a cake and released helium balloons and watched them disappear from sight hoping somehow GOD would let him see how deeply he’s loved! We were even able to share funny stories about him, and unbeknownst to us in those special kinds of moments, GOD is weaving a thread of healing, one that will continue on for our lifetime.
• The Ambush. These are the moments that can stop you in your tracks and take your breath away because they come from out of nowhere, hit you like a train and leave you a wreck all over again. It can be a smell, a forgotten photo, anything with your child’s handwriting, a store, or a song. Any one of these can shred your emotions immediately. It’s been five years and I still can’t listen to music playing on the radio or a CD when I'm alone in a car, it’s a little easier when my wife’s with me. She, on the other hand, cannot drive in silence but has to have either music or talk radio playing. About three months after Ryan died, I was meeting with a co-worker in a fast food restaurant and suddenly became aware of a young man about Ryan’s age and build talking on his phone just outside a window. Suddenly I was no longer engaged in the conversation as I watched him because I was now convinced that he was actually Ryan. He was even dressed in the familiar t-shirt Ryan was known to wear in public, with the same haircut. It wasn’t real, Ryan was alive and the past three months had all been a hoax somehow. I pushed my chair away from the table and started getting up to run outside to him when he turned and looked right at me …. and I was crushed and heartbroken all over again. Grieving is a very strange and personal thing.

• Let others in, the one(s) you really trust. These are the ones who will listen and not judge or attempt to fix you. The ones who are just willing to be there even when you don’t want to talk about it. As you are able, and sometimes it will require a real effort, just talk about it without worrying about how you’re coming across or what an emotional wreck you might be; it’s okay not to be okay for now!
• Talk about your child. As a parent, one of our greatest fears is that others will forget about our child. Sharing stories, favorite vacations, funny things they would say or do with others helps keep their memory alive.
• Don’t expect too much of yourself or other family members. Grieving manifests in a variety of ways and symptoms that can include the physical, mental and spiritual such as: insomnia, hypersomnolence, depression, anxiety, excessive anger or feelings of guilt, and when suicide or sudden death occurs it’s not uncommon to experience PTSD like symptoms. While these are all normal, if the more debilitating symptoms persist without improvement, medical attention or counseling should be considered. All too often this is thought to be a sign of weakness or lack of faith, but rest assured that’s not the case.
• To live again. Our world was turned upside down and suddenly stopped on that awful day in October 2015. NOTHING was the same, nor would it ever be again, how could it? We woke up to discover our beautiful son had taken his own life and was gone. We never got to say goodbye or “I love you” one last time. Why? For us to go on living seemed pointless and impossible. But GOD had other plans. If you don’t have to go back to work immediately, don't. If you don’t, try to create and maintain some sort of schedule, otherwise all you may find yourself doing is staying in bed, and that’s just a place where you cannot stay and be healthy. It’s true that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, but there definitely are healthy and unhealthy ways! For a long while, everything you do will feel like it requires superhuman effort, so you just have to make yourself get up in the morning and get a shower. You may not want to leave your home because it has become your “safe place”. You can feel the most alone in a crowd and so avoid going into stores altogether unless absolutely necessary, and when you do you want to get back out as quickly as possible. And don’t be surprised or feel guilty if you discover that it’s exactly the same for church. It took us two months and even then we didn’t really want to be noticed and couldn’t get back to the car and home quickly enough! We found out later that some people thought we were okay simply because we were there and seemed “fine”? Let me dispel any notion that parents who have lost a child are okay just because we force ourselves to participate in or show up for something. We are NOT okay regardless of appearance; how could we possibly be, we lost our child? We’re anything but okay!
• Resuscitation. The death of a child is an unspeakable loss! It’s so horrific that no words in the English language exist to describe it. In its aftermath, you feel like you’re drowning and will never be able to even breathe again. You feel a wreck. What do you do now? It’s hard to focus or concentrate, and making decisions, any decisions, is exhausting. In fact EVERYTHING is just hard. How can anyone survive this? There are some things that will help, but it will require effort:
  1. Move: find ways to be active physically and mentally.
  2. Force yourself to get out, even something so simple as a drive with no destination in mind.
  3. Let someone in that you trust; the one(s) that you really trust and who will give you the freedom to just be yourself when you need to cry, rant, be angry, or quiet and not say a word. Let them in because the truth is you need them and they need to be able to minister to and help you! It might be difficult at first, and may even take a while, but it’s important for the healing process.
  4. Set boundaries. Don’t feel the need to respond to every text, email, or phone call or request for a personal visit. Some days you’ll give anything to have any one of these, but others when you just want to be alone and that’s okay. Just be honest with others; unless they’ve “been there” they don’t understand what you’re going through or how your world has changed.
  5. Read scripture; some of the Psalms can be very comforting. Cry out to GOD in prayer when you can; this may be very difficult some days because you don’t know where to even start; you may be angry with GOD and don’t want to talk to HIM; some days it just feels like too much of an effort. HIS love for us is unconditional so don’t be afraid to tell GOD how you feel because HE already knows ……. it’s really more for you. HE’s our safe hiding place we can run to when our world is falling apart.
  6. Give yourself permission to see a trained counselor. They can be an invaluable resource in your recovery and healing. We began seeing one within just a few weeks of losing our son and continued for over three (3) years. We attended together most of the time, and occasionally separately. This enabled us to hear what our mate was feeling, thinking, and processing as the counselor asked questions designed to reveal what we might not have even thought about. We found it to be quite helpful in our journey.

Time does not heal all wounds; only GOD can heal this kind! Over time, the intensity does begin to subside and grows more manageable, but the wound is so deep it forever marks you. If you’ll let HIM, GOD will walk with you, and at times even carry you, through this very deep, dark valley to the other side where you’ll discover hope, healing and even joy again.